Friday, February 26, 2010 - Falling down again and again
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't breakeven.
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you and What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I don't believe in:
love
that love conquers all
fair
justice
that kindness of people
the compassion of people
I don't believe in anything anymore.
I'm tired, heart broken and angry. Worst off, I see NO change on the horizon.
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Sunday, February 14, 2010 - How do you tell your best friend she's making a terrible mistake?
I'm sure we've all had it happen one time in or life or another. A close friend or best friend is on the precipace of making a terrible life decision and you desperately want to tell them but fear doing so means you'd lose them as a friend forever. Ii seems no matter how sincere or heartfelt your concern, people always seem to react negatively and either get mad at you or cut you out for not being supportive.
What the hell do I do?
How do I tell my best friend that her getting married is not the right decision? She barely even knows this guy! They dated a couple months and then he called it off. Then a few months later he shows back up. Now after 4 or 5 months of dating,while on vacation, they got engaged. Mind you while they were dating this last time she was "seeing" other people. Which in my opinion means that things aren't that great with them. Why else would she be seeing someone on the side? They have very little in common. She's athletic and competitive and he's not.
Just because this dude asked you, you say yes? She told me that they had both resigned themselves to thinking the were just gonna be alone. Really? She's 27 and he's 29? You're thinking your life is empty and alone already? Are you kidding me? I'm so fearful that is the main reason why she got caught up in this, She thought she'd never get married. Now the wedding machine has started. Dates, planning all that shit. The wedding "noise" that happens, that keeps you from seeing what's going on until after its all over.
How do I know? I did the same thing. What they're doing is almost a carbon copy of what I did. And it took years after the dust settled for me to realize that my wife was a great person but we were terrible married and we should've never done it in the first place. Hell the way it happend was almost the exact same why I did it. WTF?
I so desperately want to tll her. SO desperately want her to not make a mistake. I've been there when she was devastated when an ex left. That doesn't hold a candle to your marriage falling apart.
What the hell do i do?
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Saturday, February 13, 2010 - Seems I finally found my way back!!!
Hard to believe its been over a year since I've posted!
My life has been filled with outrageous ups and downs. Not the least of which being I find myself in the middle of divorce and the woman I'm in love with is getting married to someone else. And you wonder why I go by splinteredmind?!?! SO much drama and heart break/heartache I can barely stand it.
I'm desperately hoping to lean on my efx2 buds to get me back to "right". Or some approximation there in. Now I have to get caught up on everyone's life. Damnit!!
I SO need my hands down my pants!!!
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Friday, December 19, 2008 - I'm back bitches
Can't even begin to cover the last few months but damn have I missed the chance to vent my dark side. Now I have to start catching up on what I've missed. Lots of ice and KY, more to follow.
Splinter
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Sunday, September 21, 2008 - This damn life
Too short, too full of dumb shit, too much work, not enough fun, not enough money and sure as hell not enough porn. WTF?
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Monday, September 1, 2008 - There just ain't enough time!!!
Okay, so I find out taht efx2 is back up (Grrr that no one told me over at my blogger page since I've been bitching about it). So on order to get caught up with my homies and have to read almost 300 posts. THen I need to posts too. Sonuva!!!
Throw in that I'm trying to get 2 or 3 workouts in a day, I have to go to my job (which still sucks by the way), deal with my spouse (ditto but not in the good way), and try to expand my mind by reading real books and not magazines and my day is shot.
I'm tired just writing about it. I haven't even had time to really enjoy some hands down the pants time!!! Damnit I need some good porn.
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Saturday, August 30, 2008 - Oh my christ, its back!!!
I was clearing out bookmarks and thought I'd look one last time to see if this place was still around and if I could log in. And its BACK. Sonuvabitch am I excited!!! I was so in the need of some cheering up as you can see from the posts I brought over from blogger. Now if only the other folks are still here. Are you? Are you out there my EFX2 posse?
Getting excited enough to put the hands in the pants again (and its been a while), Splinter,
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Saturday, August 30, 2008 - Aint it the truth
To add into all of my feel bad-edness I ran across this.
What has happened to our once beautiful and sexy Jenna? One of the originals (she and Janine Lindemulder) that taught me all about how awesome it is to have my hands in my pants.
Not to mention...so many girls, when they found out I had her movies, wanted to watch her movies with me. And those led to somw great evenings and very late nights.
And now she's pregnant with former boyfriend and former UFC Champ (now chump) Tito Ortiz. Is the world about to spin of its axis or what?
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Saturday, August 30, 2008 - At the bottom.
Rarely do I get depressed.
Sure I get down about things or angry that I could've done something better or someone else could've done something better but rarely if ever am I depressed. Until now. I've been working at this job for 5 years now. Some call me the golden boy but I've never had anything other than positive things said about what I do and how I accomplish my job. Well, the latest annual review came around and it seems that my new boss doesn't seem to thinks so. As a matter of fact on the 1 to 5 scale (how my company does it, 5 being the highest and normally comes with a percentage pay raise and a 1 tells you to go pack up your desk) I received a 3. Mind you, I've met with my boss many times over the last year and she's had nothing but positive things to say about my job/work ethic and no criticisms. I've also in the 5 years of working here never received anything other than a 5 and have gotten bonuses or promotions every year.
Now its not just about the money but also the recognition of doing a great job. Not doing a good one. I pride myself on giving 110% of effort to whatever task I attempt. If I can't, then I normally don't attempt the task or at the very least ask for help. Yes it’s a character flaw but I'd rather do it right than half assed. There are a number of issues that came up during the year, not the least of which where I was told to NOT do my job because of some political behind the scenes work going on and no one wanted feathers ruffled so I was to stop what I was doing. I made it perfectly clear that I was hired to do a job so what do I do in the interim and was told to wait until the "kinks got worked out". I have no problem with that but don’t think I should be penalized for it.
Throw on that I've recently come into contact with a ton of old friends who are of the same age and their kids are either leaving for college or about to graduate high school at least. They're now getting ready to move into their "second life" after kids. I'm in my mid 30s, still don't have any, and kids aren't in the foreseeable future. I'm not where I want to be in my marriage, my life or anything else for that matter. Yeah today there's no hands in the pants for Splinter and sexy photos. Just wondering how hard it is to fashion a noose from an electrical chord (just kidding).
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Saturday, August 30, 2008 - Its been way too long...
Yes, I haven't been in here in quite some time.
And in here not only means the blog but this side of my mind. I had the shocking reality that just thinking about something wasn't enough so in order to accomplish said thought would require me getting off my ass. So since I can't multi-task very well (except in the sack but life ain't the sack...unless I was a man-whore but then how would I get clients, how would I explain that to the spouse, what would that business model look like.....geez, I digress!!) I figured I focus on the thing that was most important to me and yes I know its totally "Shallow Hal" of me but that's getting back to my 6 pack build.
I so know that there's more to life than being physically fit but that's where everything starts for me. Not to mention that if I feel happy about the way I look or think I look good then everything else is better (for me anyway). So, in classic Splinter fashion most of the rest of my life is suffering while I get 2 to 3 workouts a day in the gym, running, biking and swimming. Throw in that I had to revamp what I ate and I'm gassed most of the time from killer workouts and now I pretty much just sleep, eat and workout.
It was also a function of getting so tired of people and life in general and the I'm a grown up conclusion that there are so many things I can't change that I figured since I'm the one thing I CAN change is me I should get to workin'. So the change is noticeable (at least that's what I'm told) but I'm still not happy. Am I ever really? After some "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy" introspection I realized that I am rarely if ever happy. It really sucks being a perfectionist! I can think of a million ways I could've done something better, cheaper, faster.
Oh yeah, and then there's all this other stuff worth mentioning:
1) an old friend of mine ran across some new pictures of me on a social web site and started flirting with me online and saying that she and her husband are swingers and would I come and play the next time I'm on town.......and then she sent pictures of the two of them. Ever notice that the people who are swingers are never the people who should be swingers? What the hell is up with that. If an attractive couple made the offer I'd consider but why is that never the case?
2) my two ex best friends (the guy and I quite hanging out because all he wanted to do was drink and the girl and I quit hanging out because she couldn't take it that everyone thought we were sleeping together) who had nothing positive to say about one another and never hung out together......started to. Then dated, then got married and I just found out are pregnant. All in the span of about 6 months. What the hell? Has the world gone crazy?
3) I have a number of friends that I was close to but we've drifted apart for a host of reasons. But...when they need help or something who's the first person they call? That's right, little 'ole me. I feel like Lucy in the Peanuts cartoon with the "Doctor is in" stand. Where are they when I'm bummed out and need a friend? And I can't say now because I know that helping is the right thing to do and its what I would want someone to do for me. Just ain't nobody doing it!
I have no idea if this post even makes sense. I now there's more but the caffeine is wearing off and I'm losing focus!!
Yes I do love the adult film stars and am a huge fan of stacked heels but today this is my moment of zen......
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Saturday, August 30, 2008 - Are we really that different?
I was struck today about the differences between men and women. No, not the nughty parts idiota but how we approach things/think differently. Case in point. I was filling up at the local gas station and pulled up behind a stunning woman. When I say stunning I mean she took my breath away!
Without the stacked sandals she was 5' 10" or 5'11", with them she was over 6 feet. Stacked black strappy sandals, tight short blue denim skirt and the cutest little summer shirt top with a ribbon below the bust line beggin to be pulled. Blonde hair, beautiful green eyes and a great tan. Oh yeah, that 5"10"? 4 feet of it was long sexy legs. Throw in that she was probaly in her early forties and it took all I could do to not mount her when she bent over in her car to grab her purse. Yes, I did say mount her. And that's what got me thinking. Do any women think like that? When you bend over into your car or in general and you're in front of a cute guy do you want him to come up from behind and mount you?
No I'm not talking about a loving hug, I mean a good nails-on-the-back, skin-tearing, animal noises, ripped clothing, animalistic anonymnous shagging? No shagging is still too nice. I mean a good fucking? That kind that when you're done you're flat out exhausted and then walk away. The kind that you look back on when sitting around friends having a drink and you say "there was this one time"? Are guys or more specifically am I the only one that thinks like that?
Yeah, I bust my ass in the gym/running/riding because it makes me feel good and its good for me but the man reason is so if that situation does ever arise the hottie has something nice to look at while she's making animal noises! Women have to think that way too don't they? Do any of them? I mean at the risk of sounding like an idiot, isn't she dressed like that in order for guys to look at and want and other women to look at and want to be? It was warm out but I don't live in south Florida for Christ's sake. I'm not saying that she wants to get mauled by the likes of me but she ain't going to church either
I would like nothing more than for once in my life a hot girl walk by and look at me that way or tell me she thinks I'm sexy. Really, am I the only one? Come on, men never complain about sexual harassment and if they do its only because its from another dude. To be honest right now, I'd appreciate the attention.
Torn about whether or not to put my hands in my pants.
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Friday, June 20, 2008 - Two by Two Meme (yeah, I stole it)
I saw this and thought it was cute. I'm bored and unhappy so I figured why not?
Rules:
1. Use no more, or less, than two words to answer each question.
2. Try not to copy any answers from the person you stole this meme from...
(yeah, it was Twist)
1. Where is your cell phone? ..................in pants
2. Your significant other?.........................at work
3. Your hair? ...........................................cut short
4. Your mother? ......................................Dante's Inferno
5. Your father?.........................................with Mum
6. Your favorite thing?..............................hot sex
7. Your dream last night?.........................angry aliens
8. Your favorite drink? .............................black jack
9. Your dream/goal?.................................world ruler
10. The room you're in?............................the office
11. Your ex?..............................................worthless whore
12. Your fear?...........................................to fail
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?..see 9
14. Where were you last night?.................in hotel
15. What you're not?.................................a loser
16. Muffins?...............................................blueberry cake
17. One of your wish list items?.................the Parthenon
18. Where you grew up?...........................small town
19. The last thing you did?........................made coffee
20. What are you wearing?.......................business casual
21. Your TV?.............................................high def
22. Your pet(s)?........................................black lab
23. Your computer? .................................high end
24. Your life?............................................quite messy
25. Your mood?........................................always glum
26. Missing someone?..............................not now
27. Your car?............................................needs bling
28. Something you're not wearing?...........boxer shorts
29. Favorite Store?...................................Best Buy
30. Your summer?....................................what summer?
31. Like someone?...................................always do;)
32. Your favorite color?............................onyx black
33. Last time you laughed........................last night
34. Last time you cried?...........................inside always
There you have it. Sometimes deep thoughts are jsut too much work!
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Tuesday, June 10, 2008 - All about me: I wish I could grow
Its funny, I was thinking about a post concerning my ex after hearing a song on the radio yesterday that made the world all wavy for a flashback then I read Slayer's and realized that some people are just better than me.
I too fell in love at 17. Not just any kind of love but the kind of love that just squeezes on your heart and takes your breath away. The kind of love that made me realize that I was going to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her.
Look I was in 'tween guy in high school. I wasn't part of any particular clique. I could hang out with the 'puter geeks and still make it to the gym later to lift with the football team. Add in that I was very active in theater and voice (I turned down college scholarships for both to join the Army, very long story there) so I kind of a geek of all trades. Although I was fun no girl ever gave me a second glance. I was cute in that sweet friend kind of way (that being said it is worth noting that I've never been told by a woman in my 30 plus years that I was hot or sexy and I've never been hit on by a woman. Really, I never have. That has all its own baggage that we'll save for another post). Nonetheless, back in the day no girls took an interest. None except one of my friends that during a long chat with me one day (and this gets us back to the song I mentioned earlier. During this great talk we had Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes was playing. To this day I still don't own a copy of that track and normally when I comes on the radio I change the station) I realized that she was exactly what I was looking for and wanted. Beautiful, smart, caring and sweet. She was my best friend, my everything. And the sex? Forget about it! She was rather straight laced and conservative when we got together but I quickly took her to the dark side. There is something just fucking sexy about a woman who's just as perverted as you are.
We spent the next 7 years together. She was with me through good times and bad, when I was unsure and apprehensive and when I became self-serving and self-righteous. She was there when I was a 160 lb quiet guy to when I became a 200lb gregarious, tough as nails Army soldier. For all my faults I loved her with every ounce of my being. Then one day she decided she didn't want to be with me anymore and left. No seriously it was almost just that quick. She said she didn't want the life of an Army spouse, couldn't deal with the kind of danger I was exposed to, wanted her own life and left.
I can honestly say that when she left she irreparably broke my heart. I became the stereotypical "bad boy" after that. I tried to make the whole female gender pay for the hurt I was feeling. I couldn't be meaner or care less about women while sleeping with everyone of them I could get my hands one. The hotter and more unapproachable the better. I made good money, had nice things and took care of the women I kept around. And there were a lot of them. Amazingly, the more terrible I became the more women there seemed to be around! Look I'm not proud of it but it happened nonetheless.
My ex and I had loads of mutual friends and a number of them kept me up to date with what and who she was doing. We ran into each other on a few occasions and I was always cordial and put on the gentlemen face whenever I was introduced to another toolbox she was dating. I even put on a good face when she came with a mutual friend to a monster bash I threw at my house one weekend and I saw her rubbing up on some dude. I took great pride in the string of relationships she's been in since me that haven't worked out. I still take pride in it. I'm one of those people that has always said the past is the past and there's no need to revisit it but some old wounds never go away. That applies to everything but her. She's that wound. I know she now lives by herself in a nice house on a lake but she's unmarried, alone and with no kids. The very things she said she never wanted to be when she got older.
I know its terrible that unlike Slayer's growth, I can revel in someone else's unhappiness. I know that I'm an adult that has a completely different life now, different woman, different job but for some reason when it comes to her that scorned, heart broken 20 something comes out.
I guess I still have a lot more growing to do.
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Friday, June 6, 2008 - Must have.......
Need new porn, losing enerygy and have no desire for hands in pants. Must see videos of hot women in order to restart my blogging mojo............
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Monday, May 19, 2008 - Sweet mother of god!!!
Just when I give up hope, I stop by on a whim and see that efx2 is back!! It did go away right? I mean I tried to log in for a while but I could never get the home page running.
Well nonetheless, its back so I'm back. Its been far to long since I've shared by devious and deviant thoughts with the world!! Jesus so much has happened too. I wanted to drop a quick note to say I'm alive and when I get some more time I'll get caught up on my and your blogs. I fell like I fell in a blackhole or something 'cause I have no idea what's been going on in the efx2 world the last few weeks. Now to catch up on my reading and add a post or two......
Yes, hands are creeping towards my pants.
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Tuesday, April 15, 2008 - Look, I don't want to be cold I just am.
I haven't been on my normal blog tear because life ever so gently kicks in the front door and punches you in the groin.
I've been told I'm very cold when it comes to dealing with deal. I think of it as purposeful. Maybe that's come with the fact that I've had people die or die around me all my life. Things just need to get done and no matter what you "feel" it doesn't change the fact that things must get done. You have the rest of your life to feel sad and cope. The longer poor decisions, or worse yet no decisions are made the worse it gets.
Its times like these that I think it'd be better to live alone in my cave.
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Monday, April 7, 2008 - Man do I hate people.
No this isn't going to be some cazy web note before I go off and cause havoc at work.....oh wait, maybe it is.
It kills me that when something is so important and has to be done yesterday (i.e. when its tasked to me), and I turn the request around in a few hours it then spends days/weeks getting "reviewed" by everyone else (read people who think they're important to the product when in fact they're nothing more than speedbumps in the process).
So it partly makes me look like a loser because I said the product was going to be done by "x" date and still isn't ready and then makes me life harder because now I have to go run down all the "reviewers" because even though all agreed it was important, the "important people" don't have time for it.
It makes me bang my head on my desk until it bleeds!!
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Tuesday, April 1, 2008 - Whacha call it? (Probably not safe for work)
There's been some chatter in the world of efx about the names people refer to genitalia by. Now of course since I am a well known fan and appreciando of the female form I'm looking for names for women's parts but I guess we could discuss dudes too.
Now of the top of my head (without being too gross) this is what I got:
- Kitty (one of my faves by the way)
- Girl Petals (kudo's to my Twisty for that one)
- The Vahj (I have a friend who refers to it in the third person, i.e. the Vahj wants to be played with. A little wierd and sexy at the same time)
- Lady Bits
- Sexy Lady Hump
- Pussy (the age old reference, the first on this list is soo much better)
- Cooch
- Snatch
- Poonani
- Love Box
- The Carpet
- Peach
- Jewel Box
- Cupid's Cupboard
- Honeypot
- Satin Glove
- Fortune Cookie
- Crave Cave
- ARBYs (think about it)
- The Butterfly (brings a whole new meaning to "butterfly kisses")
- Penalty Box
- Ground Zero
- Snake Lake
- Temporary Lodging (more for some than others!)
- Field of Dreams
- Foxhole
- Hot Pocket
- The Promised Land (ain't it ever?)
- Baby zipper (I don't know why I laugh so hard at this one)
- Candy kiss (if only Nestle's would make those kinds of kisses)
- Hairy Potter (there's such a wand joke here)
- The Golden Valley
- Pandora's Box (that's the damn truth!!!)
and one of the funniest and what my friend from elementary school has always called hers.....The Easy Bake Oven.
But who really cares what you call it when it looks this delicious?! (I love Jessica Jaymes. That is the prettiest little kitty and I love that little flower tattoo on her foot.My hands are SO in my pants right now!)
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About Me
A place to go and watch the thoughts spill out.
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